Driving through the Southern California desert, we stopped at a nondescript restaurant fittingly named John’s, where I ordered a chocolate milkshake with my grilled cheese. “Sorry hon’, we’re out of chocolate ice cream,” our server told me. Um, okay. Such a conundrum. I wanted a shake, but I only order chocolate. After some cajoling from my travel mates, I went with vanilla.
It was … okay.
I had several shakes on that SoCal trip in early March. Then I got on the scale. I don’t think I’ve had one since.
It’s time. I chose two chain places that opened within a few months of each other in 2022, within a few blocks of each other in downtown St. Pete: The Milkshake Bar, which also has a location in Tampa, and La Diperie. For good measure, I also went with a local: Old Farmer’s Creamery. All of them had the chocolate ice cream necessary to make a chocolate shake. I’ll rate and rank them at the end.
THE YARD MILKSHAKE BAR
We lit out at 5 on Wednesday, intent on making quick stops at both downtown St. Pete spots. It was bright and toasty in the city — milkshake weather. We started at The Yard, and found a shady table in the alcove. I ordered the chocolate shake (a pint, $8.25) at the counter and it came out in a couple minutes, which made me wonder if it was poured from a machine like at fast-food joints …
Taste and Texture
… It definitely did not taste like it. The Yard scored high on my scientific taste-and-texture criteria:
It had a near-perfect level of chocolate-ness — potent but short of dark, well past meek. The liquid flowed easily through the straw. It’s terrible when your mouth has to make like a Hoover just to enjoy a sip, or, worse, you have to wait 20 minutes for it to melt enough to be drinkable.
If I’m picking nits, this 16 ounces of liquid luxury could’ve been a smidge thicker. I like to milk my shakes, and this one all but forced me to gulp it down.
LA DIPERIE
This small place, decked out in turquoise, is wedged into a row of small places in the 400 block of Central Avenue. I ordered my pint-sized shake ($8.75) at the counter and watched as the server quickly made it.
Taste and Texture
I had the shake-maker add a bit of whipped cream, mostly for the photo op, but it didn’t make much difference.
The straw was skinny, so at first it took a bit of effort to suck the fluid in. That didn’t last. This shake scored slightly lower on the chocolate meter than The Yard’s. I finished it on the ride home. At 6:30, I was a happy guy with a quart of milkshake in my gut.
OLD FARMER’S CREAMERY
This cute building has been a fixture on 4th Street North for two decades. (Before that, it was pink and called Alley-Oops Super Scoops.) I walked in at 1:30 Thursday amid ongoing milkshake weather.
The interior is considerably more colorful than your basic farmhouse — with walls painted in blue, yellow and green, and lights strung over the cases, complementing brown floors and tables.
I chatted with one of the owners, Beth, as she made my chocolate shake ($9). She told me that tomorrow would be their 20th anniversary. So that makes it today. Congrats!
Taste and Texture
I had held out faint hope that one of my contestants would serve me a shake in a chunky glass with a base. It was not to be.
When I see a milkshake in styrofoam, I’m immediately concerned that it’s too thick. And this one included a spoon to go along with the straw. Another red flag. I needn’t have worried. This shake had a sublime consistency, although it came up a little short on my chocolate meter. I shot pics, took a few sips, then brought the remainder home to finish with my lunch.
And the Winner of the Got-the-Shakes Showdown Is …
The Yard Milkshake Bar.
Rating on Eric’s Choc-o-Meter: 9
Rating on Eric’s Thickness meter: 8
(It also had the best container.)
A Tie for Second:
La Diperie
Eric’s Choc-o-Meter: 8
Eric’s Thickness Meter: 7
Old Farmer’s Creamery
Eric’s Choc-o-Meter: 6
Eric’s Thickness Meter: 9
A final thought: Milkshakes sure cost more than they used to.
