Legend has it that the mythical, pointy-horned unicorn first trotted the earth more than 2,500 years ago.
They were fantasized in the myths of ancient Greece, and depicted in early Mesopotamian artwork. They’re old. Older than Al Pacino.
Rare too. No fossils have ever been dug-up to show this equine-like creature with its long, spiraling proboscis. Only tapestries, carvings, and that 2024 Netflix cinematic epic “Thelma the Unicorn” add credence to the creature’s very existence.
Today, the automotive equivalent of this mono-horned beast is BMW’s equally-beastly M5 Touring, a 717 horsepower, twin-turbo V8 plug-in hybrid wagon.
Yes, you heard that right; a wagon, as in station wagon. As in not an SUV.
Its rarity is illustrated by the fact that it’s the very first M wagon to land on U.S. shores, and the first BMW wagon of any kind to be offered here since the 3-series Touring mini-wagon left the building in 2019.
Make no mistake, driving an M5 Touring is not for the shy or sheepish. Station wagon cognoscenti who recognize the BMW in a sea of look-alike SUVs, instinctively wave, give a thumbs-up, or snap away with their iPhones.
Ariana Grande in line for a Frappuccino Grande at Starbucks wouldn’t command this much adoration.
It’s not that it’s a wagon, it’s just that it’s different. And unicorn-like rare. Yes, you can buy a regular M5 sedan, but here is the one-and-only M5 Touring, with its promise of filling it with your fancy Louis Vuitton suitcases, Callaway Strata golf clubs, or a Rimowa gym bag or three, and heading somewhere exotic for a family weekend.
And it offers a surfeit of space. Even with the rear seat in situ there’s 27 cubic feet of cargo room, expanding to 59 cu. ft. with the seats flat. That’s PODS storage unit big.
Of course, being an M-car, it’s also ferociously, insanely fast. BMW’s divine 4.4-liter twin-turbo V8 is aided and abetted by a 194-horse electric motor to deliver a combined 717 horseys and 738 torques to all four wheels.
The result? Zero-to 60 sprints in a 3.5 seconds, and an autobahn-scything top speed of 190 mph.
There’s also a cute party piece that comes with having that big electric motor and battery, in that it can be driven like a Tesla. Well sort of.
Select EV mode and you can whirr along for up to 24 miles before the big V8 joins the party. Perfect for stop-start commutes, silent early morning home departures without waking the kids, or ambling around town.
Mostly the hybrid assist set-up is there to fill-in the V8’s power curve in the nano-seconds before the twin turbos spool up. Off the line it feels awesome. Accelerating out of a freeway on-ramp, or catapulting past slower traffic, it feels awesome.
It does however feel like you’re defying physics. Here is a family wagon that weighs as much as a small battleship. On the scales it comes in at a Jabba-the-Hut-like 5,500 pounds, which is portly to say the least.
Yet on the road it feels astonishingly nimble and agile, with razor-precise and nicely-weighted steering, no-roll cornering, and optional carbon ceramic brakes that can stop time.
With this kind of handling prowess you might expect the Touring to ride like a Radio Flyer over a crumbling sidewalk. Not so. There’s almost a Town Car-like quality to the way the suspension soaks up lumps and bumps.
Inside, you get a truly jaw-dropping interior, especially if you go for the viscious, lipstick-red leather seating option. And those front seats are just fabulously supportive, gripping you as tightly as a John Cena body hug.
No prizes though for the crazy dashboard, with its Tokyo-by-night flashing lights, and oversize glass touchscreen that causes way too much driver distraction. And those haptic buttons and controls will also have you screaming “What were they thinking?”
Pricewise, an M5 Touring will set you back from $126,475, which, puzzlingly, is only $2,000 more than the M5 sedan. Of course with a few options, like the $8,500 carbon ceramic brakes and $2,500 M Driver’s Package, the total can easily top $140,000.
But for a true automotive unicorn in a sea of look-alike SUVs, this versatile, multi-tasking rocketship has mystical appeal.
