Ladies and gentleman, it’s an East vs. West burger bout this week!

I just spent eight days traversing Southern California, where In-N-Out Burger reigns supreme. The chain first opened in 1948 in Baldwin Park, about 20 miles from of Los Angeles. It’s been creeping eastward, with locations now in Tennessee.

I couldn’t find a Florida chain to match up with In-N-Out, so I went with Five Guys, which was founded in the D.C. suburb of Arlington, Virginia in 1986, by five brothers. It first entered the local market in 2006, and the Tampa Bay area currently has 10 locations.

I’d never been to In-N-Out and only once to Five Guys.

In-N-Out Burger

We arrived at a San Diego location near the home of our hosts — Bob (the Driver) and Vicki (the Navigator) Dillon — at 7 p.m. Sunday, with a pink-hued sunset as a backdrop. A line of cars that would do Chick-fil-A-proud snaked out of the drive-thru. No matter — we were eat-in people.

The interior, decorated in vivid red and white, was bright, energetic and crowded. The place exuded efficiency. Plentiful staff bustled about. Counter people smiled as they took our orders. A guy on the sound system barked out order numbers like it was bingo night.

I ordered a cheeseburger ($4.40) — with lettuce, tomato and onion — fries ($2.40) and a large chocolate shake ($4.05). We didn’t wait long for our numbers to be called.

Appearance

The cheeseburgers were served on the end of a red plastic tray, double-wrapped, facing upward. The fries got more real estate.

Taste and Texture

In-N-Out’s rep is well-deserved (especially when you consider the price). The sandwich proved a comfortable hand-held, even after I discarded the wrappers. It didn’t fall apart or drip sauce and burger detritus onto my hand. The bun was lightly grilled, the cheese subtle, the lettuce, tomato and onion crisp. It all blended beautifully with the patty, which was thin and tasty (made of beef that’s never frozen). This cheeseburger had exceptional balance.

Each In-N-Out makes its fries in-house, with each order cooked fresh in sunflower oil. So, y’know, health food. These fries had a distinct potato flavor and were notably not greasy. I liked them well enough, but I prefer my fries at least a little greasy.

I was not impressed with the shake (other than the price). The thick stuff required melt time, then two straws to draw mouthfuls. Its chocolate flavor was tepid.

FIVE GUYS

We hit the Five Guys in the Tyrone area of St. Pete just after 1 p.m. Thursday under a cloudless sky, the temp around 70. Perfect.

The interior had a similar red-and-white motif to In-N-Out but with much more space between tables. The walls were festooned with signs bearing testimonials and one that said “There Isn’t a Freezer in This Joint.” Except for the room. It was cold in there, and I was glad I wore a long-sleeve shirt. In the hallway leading to the restrooms, I wished for a parka.

The affable woman at the counter took our order. Mine was the Little Cheeseburger ($8.09) with lettuce, tomato and onion, Little Fries ($4.69) and a Chocolate Shake ($5.19). Because I was in mensch mode, I picked up my brother Kurt’s tab.

Appearance

The brown paper bag had little grease stains on it, which I didn’t see as a bad thing. The burgers came wrapped in shiny foil. The fries spilled out of their paper container and we had to scatter them on the paper bag.

Taste and Texture

The first thing I noticed was an agreeable char on the burger, which had a richly beefy flavor and was thicker than In-N-Out’s. The toppings were fine. The bun was soft and pliable. Like the competition’s, the sandwich held together nicely.

The fries were thick, many of them limp, and not as gut-bomb greasy as the first and only time I had Five Guys about 20 years ago. Big ups to the shake. It had an abundant chocolate flavor, a smooth texture and easy drinkability.

And the Winner of the SoCal vs. Tampa Bay Burger Battle Is …

Five Guys.

A very close decision. I enjoyed both meals — probably more than I expected. The burgers came in at essentially a dead heat. Five Guys won the fries and the shake.

I rarely discuss price in FFF, but the value proposition clearly goes to In-N-Out. Consider the cheeseburgers, which were similar in quality: Five Guys cost 84% more than In-N-Out.

No burgers for me for a while. Post-Cali trip, I need to drop at least five pounds, preferably eight. Wish me luck.