So you read the headline and you’re thinking: New York vs. Tampa Bay? Squaring off over bagels? That’s not a fair fight.

I have similar reservations, but I’m visting friends on Long Island and figured it’s a good opportunity for another edition of Tampa Bay vs. The World.

Talk about a contrast in combatants: Bagel Babe Co. is run by Jessie Vallorosi, a woman in her 20s who moved to St. Pete from New Jersey in 2021. Unable to find a good bagel, she set about perfecting her own recipe. Now she sells ’em.

Goldberg’s dates back to 1949, and has 14 locations on Long Island, each with separate owners. We went to the one in Patchogue.

Our test dishes are: a plain bagel with a cream-cheese schmear, as a baseline; and a bagel sandwich with egg and cheese.

BAGEL BABE CO.

We left for Bagel Babe on Sunday at 11 a.m. not knowing what to expect. We did, however, expect to see a sign. We did not. After driving around a large lot for a few minutes, we followed a hunch and parked in front of a place called Foodie Labs.

Located in the Warehouse Arts District, Foodie Labs is a vendor collective of five “restaurants,” including Bagel Babe, that occupies a long industrial hallway. There are no storefronts. Young people milled around in groups.

We looked for a Bagel Babe sign or logo, and never saw one. We ordered on a touchscreen. As prescribed, I got a Plain Bagel with Cream Cheese ($4.75), toasted; and a Sesame Bagel (toasted) with Egg & Cheese ($7.45).

Hmm, I wondered, where would our meals come from? I half-expected to be handed a bag by a drone. After about 10 minutes, a guy came out and hollered my wife’s name.

The Foodie Labs hallway includes a few sitting stations, but most have low tables unsuited for eating, and nearly all were occupied. We decided to return to the FFF Lab + Photo Studio™ with our bag o’ bagels.

Appearance

I took the bagel sandwiches out of the bag and freed them from their white wrappers. Nothing stood out, except for how thick the schmear was.

Texture and Taste

• Bagel with Cream Cheese — The bagel was under-toasted, and chewier than I prefer. Each bite took some hard jaw work. And this sandwich raised some questions: When is a schmear a schmear? When is a schmear a hefty schmear? And when is a schmear a mega-schmear? I submit this bagel as evidence of the latter. I scraped about half of the cream cheese off to the side of the plate.

• Sesame Bagel with Egg & Cheese — This bagel was easier to chew than the other, but I occasionally chomped into an unpleasant salt bomb. The flattened scrambled egg was moist enough, but its flavor was elusive. The cheese, pure white, was a conundrum. I thought for a second it was cream cheese, but after closer inspection I decided on white American. Regardless, it had scant flavor.

GOLDBERG’S

When we arrived at Goldberg’s just before 10 a.m. on Wednesday, it was 65 degrees and sunny, with low humidity. A miracle. I borrowed a jacket from my friend and co-host, Max.

Goldberg’s is located on Patchogue’s main drag. Talk about old-school. A man behind a classic deli counter took our order. And get this: He wrote it down on a small pad.

I got a $3 cup of coffee to go with my Plain Bagel with Cream Cheese ($4.07) and Sesame Bagel with Egg & Cheese ($5.97), both toasted.

Unfortunately, Goldberg’s has no outdoor seating, so our party of three commandeered a small table near the front window. The sound system was putting out a terrific playlist that included everything from early-period Elvis Presley to late-period Johnny Cash, but the music spewed out of a portable JBL speaker (set atop a drink case) that sounded lousy.

Appearance

I opened up the brown paper bag and white wrappers to reveal some very appealing bagels/sandwiches (photo at top). The debris cluttered the table. We had no plates. We didn’t care.

Texture and Taste

• Plain Bagel with Cream Cheese — The bagel had plenty of give to the squeeze, almost like letting air out of a bicycle tire without the hiss. The hearty crust gave way to the inner part, which had an airiness that made it collapse easily to the bite. Bagel elegance. The cream cheese was slightly melted due to the warmth of the bread.

• Sesame Bagel with Egg & Cheese — The sesame seeds made themselves known without being obnoxious. The egg was fried but not runny. The cheese was subtle. The elements retained their character but blended together beautifully with the bread. In all, this was a delicious, easy-eating breakfast sandwich.

And the Winner of the NY vs. TB Bagel Brawl Is …

Goldberg’s.

Obvious, right? Maybe there is something to the superiority of New York bagels, even ones made outside the confines of the City proper. Maybe it is the water. In this case, I tend to think it was the superiority of Goldberg’s recipe and technique, and a consistency born of experience.

I did not care for the impersonality of Bagel Babe’s ordering and delivery protocols. If wanting to see the product on the shelf and place an order with a human makes me old-fashioned or out of touch with the times, I gladly accept.

A final note (targeted to Boomers):

While I found no indication on the Bagel Babe website that it’s located in Foodie Labs, the location is plainly stated on the brand’s Instagram page. I’ve been told recently that websites are becoming passe, for young brands at least. If you want the real skinny, check their IG.